We are often told about the power of positive thinking regularly. I do believe in that notion but in this article, I am looking at the importance of embracing discomfort within our thinking. Often, we fear thinking about negative situations as this stirs up difficult emotions within us that seem best avoided. The benefit of reflective practice on negative situations can really help build our resilience to pressure situations over time. On other occasions we may be able to plan out strategies that can aid us should a negative situation occur. One important reason is the learning that this can give us about ourselves and our resourcefulness.
For many of us in our lives, there will have been many positive experiences, many learning experiences and of course some negative experiences. When I look back on my own life, it is only when I take the time to properly reflect on each of these situations that feelings that I felt during those times begin to re-run, offering me reminiscent insights and new lenses to these situations as I reflect on them. For a moment, select one of the following events that you may have encountered and begin to re-live this situation:
- Failing an exam or interview.
- Missing out on that promotion.
- Being made redundant for the first time.
- Making a career change.
- A fall out with a colleague.
- A strong reprimand from your leader or other colleague.
As you do this:
- What comes to mind?
- What emotions does this stir up for you?
- What insight emerges for you?
- What learning materialises if you imagine observing yourself in the situation that you selected?
The list we can choose to reflect on will be huge. Each of us will have the opportunity to learn different things, as we look back at those situations again. This is often because we will have gained more life experience and new perspectives. It is these new perspectives that I am writing about today, particularly when it comes to negative thoughts because, as we undertake reflection on events, sometimes these can be quite brief. However, if we spend more time reflecting more deeply about our experiences, then perhaps how we respond to similar events in the future can be even more impactful.
We all have negative thoughts. Our minds can drift into thinking about the “worst case scenario.” When we are alone with these thoughts, this can sometimes cause us to freeze or run away from a situation. Our initial thinking generates a feeling within us, that leads us either to deliberately think of something else or to sit in dread of the actual event happening. This is the reason why many people stop themselves from achieving. For example, a promotion might be available, and we realise that this may mean more travelling. Instead of looking at the benefits that the promotion may give us, (Different learning experiences, growth, new network, better pay) we may automatically revert to (Less time at home, work life balance, missing out on family events). Both trains of thought are perfectly normal and understandable. However, we will often think about these polarities very briefly, particularly if we are looking at the negatives, and anchor ourselves into the feelings that these thoughts have triggered. It is these feelings that can give us strong reasons not to do things.
Deeper reflection into these situations, is important. If we notice we are feeling fearful of something we quickly try to switch our focus into something more positive and hope that the feelings disappear. They will…for a while. Once the thought drifts into our minds again, the feelings return. So, we try to think of something else and the cycle continues. It is important that we can reflect about these situations more deeply and safely so that we can make even more informed decisions than we might be currently. The stoic philosophers Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius championed the practice of reflecting into negative experiences, to prepare ourselves for a “worst case scenario” and to begin to appreciate more the things that we might often take for granted. Such reflection, although uncomfortable at the time can help aid resilience and flexibility of thinking when tough situations arise for us. It is vital that this practice is done safely, and professional reflective practice and coaching can support this.
As an example. I remember some years ago an excellent leader came into their coaching session with me very concerned about recent announcements that there could be job losses within the organisation. This news had kept this person awake at night as they began to think through the potential consequences of this situation on themselves, their lifestyle, career, and family. All these concerns were legitimate, and their mind was racing. When they came into their coaching session, they were quite panicked and were looking to see how they could avoid this situation from happening to them or their people.
They came into the coaching session talking very quickly about the news, how fearful they were, and all the things that they may have to give up if this impacted them. The pace of how they were communicating was significantly quicker than their usual way of communicating and you could sense a real fear in their voice. Once they had paused, I asked if it would be okay to look at how they would respond before we looked at how they can avoid this situation. In the safety of a coaching arena, I positioned that we would delve into the worst-case scenario more deeply to see how they may respond. I asked something along the lines; “Lets imagine you have just received notification that you are going to be made redundant. What is the worst thing that could happen?” They immediately talked about breaking the news to others and the material possessions that they may have to give up, (Lose their home, become homeless, no holidays, reduced social life,) As I played back their words verbatim, they responded, “Actually none of that will probably happen.” And described some reasons why. I asked what else in the worst-case scenario may happen. This time they focussed on their career. (Having to start again, going into a new industry with different skill sets meaning that their skills sets may not fit). When I asked what skill sets may not fit? They struggled to answer. We spent some more time looking at the worst-case scenario and what I noticed is that because we took some of the emotion of this event away, they begun to rationalise what could happen and what this could mean to them, their career, and their family. Their key learning was that, at the very minimum. they could control their attitude and response to the situation.
As they had rationalised things in their own mind, their pace slowed to what was something similar to my previous conversations with them. We then explored how they would respond to such an event, they started to share a number of options that they could act on such as, reaching into their network, contacting recruiters, speaking with businesses that they admired, learning a new skill and re-training. They must have produced at least ten options that they could consider. Having looked that the impact that these options could have on other people like their team, colleagues, family, friends, employers, they started to think about how they could respond now, in anticipation of the worse happening but should the event not occur then how this may serve them anyway. They left the session clear about three areas that they would action and were energised about getting started. This for me was a real good example of this person being response-able to a potential situation. They had courageously taken the time to reflect more deeply about a potential forthcoming event and worked out how they could positively influence their situation ahead of this. This story is more pleasing because the person decided to further their education in sports. They had coaching qualifications in sports already and pursued this further, so it became a part time career and then a full time one.
- What topic have you avoided thinking about recently?
- If you re-engage that topic, what do you have some influence on?
- What can you begin to influence?
- Who can support you?
Safe reflective practice is important. When we are thinking about negative experiences alone, we can tend to legitimately catastrophise things and this can cause us to respond emotionally. By taking time out to reflect with someone, our emotions can be regulated, and we can begin to think more clearly. Through more clarity of thought, we become more response-able to understand what is within our gift of influence and begin to put energy into the areas that can make a positive difference to our situation.
