As I started to type this months` article, I was reminded about a story a colleague shared with me years ago. The person concerned was a new leader and had gone into their first leadership role with great energy and positivity. They found that the workload had increased and, like many new leaders, thought if their people could do their jobs in the way the new leader used to do when they were in their position, then all would be plain sailing. However, early in the relationship with their team they had some challenges with one of the experienced people. This person would often cut across the leader when they were speaking or would dismiss their ideas with little consideration. They knew that they needed to confront this situation, but they were unsure how to and began to have some fears and doubts creep in about how this person might respond if they confronted the issue.
They eventually plucked up the courage to invite their colleague to go for a coffee, to keep this as informal as possible and to be on “neutral territory.” In the days leading up to the meeting, the leaders` anxiety grew. They found it hard to concentrate on their daily work, and their sleep was restless. The thought of discussing this situation with the team member filled them with dread. They imagined all the worst-case scenarios: receiving an angry response, being seen as a poor leader, even losing their job!
– What thoughts run through your mind, when you are about to have a challenging conversation?
The leader knew that they needed to address these feelings if they wanted to handle the conversation effectively. They did something that I have seen done effectively on many occasions. They acknowledged their fear. The leader wrote down their worries in a journal. This helped them to see these fears more clearly and they actually had a chuckle at some of the things that were written. This exercise made the leader realise that many fears were based on assumptions rather than facts.
Next, the leader sought support from someone who had been through similar experiences. This person listened patiently and offered valuable insights. They reminded the leader that such conversations were opportunities for growth and development. They also shared the importance of sticking to the facts and agreed that the leader would prepare the conversation in advance to help focus them on some core areas. They left the leader to reflect on some questions, which I invite you to do:
– What can the leader find out about this person that they don’t yet know?
– What are the facts about the situation that we are looking to address?
-How does the leader feel when certain behaviours are displayed?
– What is the leaders` contribution to this issue?
When we have a challenging conversation to undertake there are many things that will race through our minds. Most of these will be assumptions. This often leads to us turning what should be an opportunity to learn to a confrontation and there will be a variety of reasons for this. When navigating challenging conversations, leaders should be mindful of some common pitfalls to avoid.
If you think about the last challenging conversation you needed to have with a loved one did any of the following apply?
Avoiding the Conversation: One of the biggest mistakes is avoiding difficult conversations altogether. This can lead to unresolved issues, festering resentment, and a toxic work environment. It’s important to address problems head-on in a timely manner. When I have avoided conversations in the past, it reminds me of the metaphor of the rucksack. Imagine you have a rucksack on your back. Each time a person repeats a behaviour I didn’t address, I put a metaphorical stone in the rucksack. The more stones I put in, the heavier the burden feels, until I get to a point that the bag feels that heavy I unleash all of my rocks at once!!
Guess what? The other person usually has a bag of stones for me too!!
Letting Emotions Control Us: Letting emotions take control can escalate the situation. Leaders should strive to remain calm and composed, even when the conversation is tense. This helps to keep the discussion productive and focused on solutions. I used to allow frustration to creep into these conversations and I can`t remember this really helping. A calm approach, focusing on questions and being present with the answers often leads to breakthroughs.
Not Listening Actively: Failing to listen actively can result in misunderstandings and missed opportunities to address the root causes of issues. Leaders should ensure they fully understand the other person’s perspective before responding.
Lack of Preparation: Going into a challenging conversation unprepared can lead to confusion and ineffective communication. Leaders should plan what they want to say, anticipate possible reactions, and think about potential solutions beforehand.
Focusing on Blame: Concentrating on who is at fault rather than what can be done to resolve the issue can create a negative atmosphere. We should focus on finding solutions and moving forward.
Ignoring Non-Verbal Cues: Non-verbal communication, such as body language and tone of voice, plays a significant role in conversations. Ignoring these cues can lead to misinterpretations. We should be aware of their own non-verbal signals and pay attention to those of others. I find a play back on words said and to be able to match body language can really help.
Failing to Follow Up: After a challenging conversation, it’s crucial to follow up to ensure that the agreed-upon actions are being implemented and to provide ongoing support. This shows commitment to resolving the issue and helps to reinforce positive changes.
By being aware of these pitfalls and actively working to avoid them, leaders can handle challenging conversations more effectively and turn them into opportunities for growth and improvement.
This is all well and good but how do you make a start?
How the leader in the story went about this conversation was very skilful. I go through this in more detail in my leadership programmes but the two critical areas to consider are:
They described their emotions (when you said x, I felt y) – This is difficult to challenge
They described their contribution to this issue (I haven’t got to know you properly yet) – This is where the defenses came down.
This experience taught the leader an important lesson: that fear often magnifies the challenges we face, but with the right mindset and support, we can overcome them and turn these conversations from confrontation to curiosity. Suffice to say this relationship become much better and the colleague was one of the leaders` top performers. I doubt this would have been the case without this conversation.
– What conversations are you avoiding at the moment?
– What could you do differently to have this conversation?
– What do you need to remember to keep this conversation in enquiry rather than confrontation?
